BIG BROTHER IS WEIGHT WATCHING YOU!

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Nessie is over weight. Nessie thinks it’s time to see her feet again. Nessie realizes that the time old excuses of ‘my medication makes me fat’ and ‘the washing machine shrunk my jeans’ are just that, old. Nessie has joined Weight Watchers. Nessie will now pause for selected sniggers and judgement from the readers. Nessie is going to stop typing in third person now because Nessie is confusing herself.

Yes that’s right; I’ve joined that ever growing cult of Weight Watchers. I call it a cult for many reasons.

1. They use an inordinate amount of cult references. For example; it’s run by people who call themselves ‘leaders’ helping you to achieve your ‘goal’ by sticking to the ‘plan’

2. It relies on a tremendous amount of brain washing to keep its followers in line.

3. Their meetings are highly stressed and full of followers who, collectively, resemble peak hour at the unemployment office.

I was going to do this blog all about my first meeting, which was a barrel of laughs I can tell you, but I changed my mind when I made a rather startling (well, it is to me… I’m food deprived) discovery that I thought would appeal to a more general audience. So bare with me, this may take some time!

My leader is a particularly insipid and obsequious woman called Fiona, or FiFi as she asked us to call her. You know the type: too much make up, lots patronising disguised as support and the frightening belief that if you dare turn up to one of her meetings having gained weight, then that supercilious grin plastered to her face could very easily turn into a sneer before she publicly flays you alive in front of the other sheeple of her congregation.

Well, I signed up (having to hand over not just my email address but blood, urine, sperm and any alias’ I had ever gone by), weighed in at my expected inordinate amount, stayed for the patronising pep talk and left, my ears ringing with the thinly veiled threat

“Now remember, I’ll know if you cheat or not”

*SHUDDER*

Now ordinarily I’m not a particularly paranoid person. Sure I believe everyone mocks my hair cut/weight/intelligence/motherhood skills/survival rate but no more than your average mentally unbalanced anti social reprobate. So imagine my surprise when I found myself with the sneaking suspicion that, at any given moment I was about to be (as you young, hip things call it) PUNKED!

Every time I reached for a piece of food I kept checking out the window to make sure there were no unmarked satellite vans packed with a Weight Watchers SWAT team prepared to rugby tackle me to the ground lest I actually consume more calories than a fruit fly’s fart.

I became convinced that Mr. Ness and Wee Ness were, in actual fact, double agents. Yeah sure, Wee Ness ‘claimed’ she was chatting to her invisible friend but you can never be too sure.

After adopting this new paranoid, jumpy and quiet frankly pathetic shadow of the fat bastard I’d formally been, I decided to give in to the mind games and just follow all the rules (sod anarchy, it doesn’t use up enough calories). I realized that if I was convinced I was going to be caught cheating it was only because I’d be cheating myself… or so they wanted me to believe.

When you join Weight Watchers they give you your own individual password so you can go to their online site and chat/cry/swap conspiracy theories with other fat people. I, like the blind fool that I am, joined immediately after the meeting. With the highly suspect promise that you’re 50% more likely to loose weight if you join the website as well as attend the meetings, how could I refuse?

I was on there the other night, feeling weak (and not just from lack of sustenance) and looking for support. When a familiar name popped up on my screen.

“Hiya Ness its Fifi. What are you doing up this late at night? You’re going to absolutely ruin your diet by not getting enough recommended sleep. Don’t you dare cheat. Of to bed with you. I’ll know if you stay online. See you at the Wednesday meeting. You WILL have lost weight.”

Bloody hell! I screamed out loud, pushed myself away from the computer instantly and scurried up to bed like a frightened animal.

So that’s how she would know if I’d cheated or not. Big Brother’s not just watching, he’s bloody stalking and in a ‘watch you as you sleep, brush the strands of hair from your face’ way… Big Brother is incestuous!

I’m going to my meeting tomorrow night as planned. If I don’t return home after that it means I gained weight. Please send the search party to Weight Watchers… armed!

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14 Comments

Filed under RANTS

14 responses to “BIG BROTHER IS WEIGHT WATCHING YOU!

  1. God luck and good vibes to you and your quest. I have a local WW by my house, just a little place in the mall, but that little place fills up with I swear, at least 100 people. I’m a tad too large for my bodice, but I’m not social, so I know I couldn’t stand being there.
    Oh, and I’m sending WW you blog addy…bwahahaah…
    just kidding..

  2. Thank you for coming to my humble blog Wulfgar. I’m the most anti social so and so’s on the planet but WW aren’t too bad to go to. Everyone appears to have the same mental health problems.. Ergo we have the ol’ oral fixation (not the good kind), mind you, I totally see your point about not going.
    I think the fear is going to help me loose the weight! ;P
    I must say, I spat my low calorie drink out when I read that you were going to forward my blog. Visions of spies everywhere chanting
    ‘One of us. One of us’ come to mind 😉
    Hope to see you again, you’re funny (in a good way!).
    Ness

  3. Nic

    Thanks for the comment, glad my post was useful 🙂 WeightWatchers sounds rather scary! That online message must have been so strange, I would have screamed too!!!

    • Och, thank you Nic. Yeah, I was accused of being a coward by Mr. Ness for sheltering under the bed sheets repeating ‘They’re coming for me’ but you know what? I think I was right to be fearful too ;P

  4. You are absolutely hysterical. A must-read for sure. I have just added you to my blogroll and my blog surfer. Keep up… your life? What ever it is your doing keep that up. 🙂 Can’t wait for more.

  5. Hey Nessie, nice post. I’m a bit of a fitness freak myself and I have a lot of qualms about Weight Watchers, “diets,” and calorie counting… I can share some pretty helpful sites with you if you want. I won’t post them here for fear of being a “spammer,” but send me a message if you are interested. There are better ways…

  6. Thanks Willabe. The feeling’s more than mutual… LOVE the story about your dog and her unrequited love with her chew toy!
    Look forward to seeing you around SIR (see? I knew you were a dude!)
    Joegeis, I know I’m bad for this but I love that you use the word freak with fitness. *SIGH* I guess I’m alwas going to have an unhealthy view on health. 😉 I’ll be more than happy to head over to your blog and hear your advice… just don’t grass me in to WW!
    Ness

  7. i would just like to thank you for ruining any chance i may have taken by joining anything like WW! one should never trust people with perfectly acceptable names like fiona that insist on being calling ridiculous names like fifi. one should also be wary of people named fiona who go by fifi and stalk you via WW website. one should also fear sleep deprived teenagers who have used the word ‘one’ far too often! lol… so i guess i’m sticking (yeah right) to my own diet plan: skip meals for a couple days, embarrass self by eating large amounts of ice cream, vow never to eat again, rinse, and repeat as often as necessary.

  8. LMAO Brown_person. Yes indeed, if my wanderings have taught me anything it’s that people who abbreviate their own short names (especially when said abbreviation makes them sound like a toy poodle) are not to be trusted. As for your diet plan, that sounds excellent, but I’ll only follow it if there’s ritual condemnation and mocking involved… I can only loose weight that way.
    On a serious note (yes I do so have one), apart from Fifi and her minions I actually liked the diet and lost more weight this week than I have in a month on the other multitude of faddy diets… I think the fear helped greatly!
    One is glad you came to one’s blog. One hopes to see you again. One will be abusing this specific new terminology for the next few comments. One thanks you… many don’t! 🙂
    Ness

  9. Oh jay-zus, FiFi (is it two capital Fs or just one???) minion of Big Brother and cyber-stalker = double-plus ungood, I say!

    At least you are getting the intended benefit of being able to drop a few pounds and maybe even meeting some nice ladies who WON’T stalk you online. . .

    Very funny post, almost made me put down my mid-afternoon chocolate. . . almost. . . 🙂

    • Thank you Delia. No idea if Freaky Fiona abbreviates with one or two double F’s :)) either way she creeps me the Hell out. I walked (how healthy am I? Pfft, walking… No problem!) to my mum’s house today. It only takes 30 minutes but you know, exercise is exercise, and while bopping away to my music, The bloody woman passes me in her car and shouts

      “Keep up the good work Ness”

      Wtf? She is stalking me isn’t she? At least she caught me doing something healthy as opposed to finding me elbow deep in chocolate pudding… God damnit I’m hungry now.

      *SIGH*

      Anyway, glad to see you on my blog. Thank you for the compliment and… Step away from the chocolate with your hands up! 😉

      Ness

  10. Hey time for a new post! This one is 5 days old! 😛

  11. LMAO Brown_person. Yes indeed, if my wanderings have taught me anything it’s that people who abbreviate their own short names (especially when said abbreviation makes them sound like a toy poodle) are not to be trusted. As for your diet plan, that sounds excellent, but I’ll only follow it if there’s ritual condemnation and mocking involved… I can only loose weight that way.On a serious note (yes I do so have one), apart from Fifi and her minions I actually liked the diet and lost more weight this week than I have in a month on the other multitude of faddy diets… I think the fear helped greatly!One is glad you came to one’s blog. One hopes to see you again. One will be abusing this specific new terminology for the next few comments. One thanks you… many don’t! Ness
    +1

  12. The perfect The Suitable Curtains Intended for Theater

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